For the Love of Film Pt. IV

There's probably something special or awesome about every movie. The movies that I do not like are often because of state of mind I was in, life circumstances, or the pre-existing fan base of a film. I have nothing to say about The Dark Crystal except that it is a movie that pederasts try to show children. See, it's a complex situation. Please, do not make some ridiculous logical jump either. I'm not saying that if you like The Dark Crystal that you are a pederast. I am simply saying that it is a movie that pederasts show to children. That's all I know of the movie, that's all I care to know of the movie. Yes, it's entirely personal. So what? I am not going to open my mind, sit through the thing, and attempt to convince myself that it is not something that it already is. I love so many films, so many terrible films, and it is healthy to be discriminatory at times. The Dark Crystal is a movie that makes me shudder, but I cannot really say anything about it, except that it's selection for pederast tastemakers.

Occasionally, there are simply films that I despise not only in reaction to the fan base but also simply because the movie is artistically and morally dogshit. If there is one thing Hollywood is fantastic at slinging out, it is morally corrupt, brainwashing propaganda. Personally, I doubt it is as intentional as critical scholars posit. Instead, it is simply ignorant assholes, dressed up as intellectual, painting with broad brush strokes of their shit worldview and parroting Mother Culture labeling it a unique point of view. It is not a unique point of view. It is a homogenized regurgitation of groupthink and all that will bring humanity to its fragile and bruised knees.

Meanwhile, there are also plenty of films that fit many of these parameters that I love. Argo is problematic when considering its political and nationalistic implications, but I loved this movie when I first saw it, own it, and I love Affleck directed films. Hollywood is at least Hollywood. It's always been Hollywood, and it will always be Hollywood, even after the apocalypse. Although somewhat counterintuitive, Hollywood does not pretend to be something that it is not through all pretending and fakery. It is not simply a social media gathering of fourth wave-feminists posting night club pics on Instagram and acting prog-ro on Facebook. It is a shitty characteristic to have highlighted as strength, but it is a Hollywood strength: Hollywood is genuine in its bullshit.

When I get into arguments with people, they say shit like, "Life is not a movie." No shit. I believe any category of filmmaker, actor, production worker, etc. that keeps some level of self-honesty knows better than anyone that life is not a movie. If only I could throw all these people on the floor like a pile of celluloid scrap... Editing is one of my favorite elements of filmmaking. It is my favorite process. I love editing. The beauty of editing is how unlike life it truly is, and that is where I live. I live right in that space between fantasy and reality. I am the gap before the editor places the tape over a splice. Life is not a movie and vice versa. But on the edges of both is my life. It is an interesting place to live. It is a carnival in the back alley between skid row and Hollywood boulevard. A one horse race without a finish line. There's not a thesis. I simply love film. We take the threads of fantasy and reality and sew them together to create emotion and instigate change.

3 from Hell (2019)

Delicious. This movie is late-night maniac deliciousness. Reading all of the reviews of 3 from Hell is an illuminating view of Internet dickholes that are far more concerned with their own self-aggrandizing than the topic of discussion. I fucking love this movie. When I checked the production budget, my pants got wet. This is a 3 fucking million dollar film. That is absolutely nothing and absolutely incredible.

If you did not like this movie, then you probably went to the wrong fucking movie. It is that simple. What did you expect from a movie that revives characters after 20 bullet holes rip through their bodies? I have an original Baby and Otis action figure from Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects poster on my wall, and I remain proud.

I saw Manson and Rob last year after sleeping with Edwin’s girlfriend for two days straight. We left after Manson, because we’d seen Rob so many times. Well, and, she’s a lame ass, gave me diarrhea for days the first time I slept with her. No lie. Still have the prescription that I needed to stop the diarrhea. Weird huh? I know, it’s fucking scary. Baby Diftwood stabbing you in the stomach scary. The human mindbrain works in dark and mysterious ways. That’s not necessarily a good thing for any gothy twerps reading this madness.

The diarrhea simply would not stop, all day, all night. At the time, I tried to tell myself that it was not her, but it was. She revealed more than a decade later (drunk, not realizing the entire structure of lies she built throughout the years) that she was with several partners, across a variety of genders, when we first met. You’d think promiscuous people would be more exciting and more fun in bed. They are not. You may also think that promiscuous people are somehow more “sexual people” and better in bed than others. They are not. From my experience, they are mediocre, unlike a $3 million Rob Zombie film.

I did not mind missing a Rob Zombie concert, but I did miss the sneak-peek trailer for 3 from Hell. While that was disappointing, the movie was awesome. I was hoping for more from the movie, and I did not like it as much as I thought I would. However, I also did not know that it was produced with a $3 million production budget. I thought it was going to be some sort of $30-million blowout simply turning up the body-count dial to insanity. Therein lays another charming element of the film: A forced increase of dead bodies is precisely what it did not do. That is what common convention says what a filmmaker is supposed to do, and it is bullshit. In my opinion, the principle takes control of the entire cinematic process and labels consumer hooks as creativity. It is probably not the approach one should take when fleshing out a story about escaped lunatics in digital grindhouse.

Who cares!? I fucking love it. Why? Because I can.  Because I love Rob Zombie movies. Because Sheri Moon Zombie is absolutely amazing. The characters often argue about who the star of the show is. Baby. Always Baby. Without Baby, the movie is just two grimy old men being grimy old psychopathic men. Either way, I love them both too.

The soundtrack/score for the film is wet-your-pants good, delicious. The Rejects trilogy of soundtracks is available on vinyl later this month, and I want all three! They look beautiful. I read an interview in which Rob says that he didn’t plan to make a sequel to Corpses, he did not plan to make a sequel to Rejects, and he currently does not have plans to make a sequel to 3 from Hell. I hope Rob makes a forth. I love these characters.

Growing up and throughout my life, I developed stories and characters. A friend got mad at me once, because I was not plot driven enough (except he did not articulate it in this manner.) He explained that I generally only care about developing characters and ignore plot (again, he did not articulate it in this manner, and I was also a child.) The experience pulled me away from creating and nurturing characters. This is flawed. It is taught that story is everything, and it is. But at the same time it is not, because characters are everything.

This is merely my own bit of personal film theory: we can make a good film with awesome characters but no story; we cannot film a story without characters. There’s an element of, “No duh,” but there is far more to unpack in that statement than is necessary in a rant about a grindhouse movie. Ultimately, this is a bit of the underlying thesis of Slacker by Richard Linklater. It’s simply a feature-length presentation of a bunch of wack-a-doo characters. He does this again in a dream with Waking Like. In fact, most of Linklater’s work is simply character driven. Technically, Dazed and Confused has a plot. However, that’s just any random end of school year day and the exploration of the characters within it. When going back to watch this film, do we watch it to rediscover the plot points or meet up and hangout with old friends?

In all honesty, I’m biased. Aren’t we all? I was bound to love this movie. It’s delicious. I wrote delicious down before the movie even started. I bought the movie poster before I saw the film. The east wall of my bedroom will now feature The Devil’s Rejects on one side and 3 from Hell on the other, and as I said, it’s delicious. It did not give me uncontrollable diarrhea the first time around. Perhaps this is a low standard, but I am exploring this area of my psyche through film and otherwise.

Along with Leatherface, I consider the Driftwoods my family. They warm my heart and bring a literal tear to my eye as does the passing of Sid Haig. I am not the type to type out ineffectual weeping for celebrities regardless of my level of fandom. That said, while seeing 3 from Hell helped balance my brain chemicals, it also marks the loss of the best film clown of all time. I fucking said it, “The best film clown of all time.” There is nothing hyperbolic about the sentiment: Sid Haig was the best fucking film clown of all time.

The Internet sucks. Why are there so many manboys whining about a $3 million grindhouse movie? What are you going to make for $3 million? Dogshit. Utter dogshit. Poorly acted, badly lit dogshit. You’d tap in some iPhone filters for explosions and gun shots, call yourself an auteur, and it would be utter dogshit. Dumb. Dumb dogshit. The Internet is dogshit. You are doghit. It is an excellent little movie released when heaps of garbage are slung out for no less than $300 million for mommies to placate their kids and boyhusbands. The combo pack comes out in less than two weeks! 

Delicious.

If Looks Could Kill (1991)

Released in 1991, directed by William Dear, and capturing a breathtaking 29% on Rotten Tomatoes, If Looks Could Kill provides a perfect encapsulation of the true nature of the 90s. While the 90s were generally a crock of shit, this film is fantastic from the beginning to the end.

Michael Corben is my hero, and all of the bad guys are pseudo-fascist dirtbags that I hope die. From Jump Street, I want Michael Corben to kill everyone and win.

I used to play If Looks Could Kill as a child. I would run around my grandmother's backyard shooting people in the face and making out with hot chicks. It was a blast.

Grandma would scream racial slurs at my grandfather for watching basketball. This was a special type of racism that tormented my grandfather their entire marriage.

Unfortunately, there's not much diversity in If Looks Could Kill, just a lot of white people shooting at the wrong white guy. I feel as though I am still playing Michael Corben in life, but how can anyone ever be as cool as Grieco? I imagine this is a question that only Grieco can answer.

There should be a sequel to If Looks Could Kill, out of nowhere, with no one asking for it, reboot the fucker. Up Till Dawn will take the property, put it through a lens of gruesome hyper-violence, it will be delightful.

Last line of the movie, context irrelevant, "Turns out, looks can kill."

Stuber (2019)

Stuber is a fun comedy. Perhaps, they could have done less as the plot does meander around the bottom half of the second act. Each member of the cast is always hilarious throughout the movie, but the ending also lingers until it falls flat and fades away.

Nonetheless, it is a popcorn flick to kick back and laugh at for an evening. Meanwhile, the action and gunshot wounds were freaking awesome. While the movie was bound to have weak areas, in general, it provide an intense action rampage with plenty of laughs. I have a penchant for the emotional juxtapostion of laughing while watching heads explode.

Critics note: I happen to see that Stuber possesses a 40-something% aggregate on Rotten Tomatoes. It a buddy action comedy about a cop and an Uber driver named Stu. What on Earth are peole thinking when they start watching a movie like this? 40% indicates that the majority of critics were disappointed in this film. I'd say if you're going to see a movie called Stuber, you should lower your expectations.

John Wick: Chapter 3 (2019)

Naturally, John Wick 3 is fucking incredible. What blog are you reading?

Its superiority goes without saying before and long after the film's release. It is non-stop fun and exciting for the entire family. The children will laugh and rejoice.

Of course, Keanu is excellent. Larry Fishburne is excellent. Halle Berry is fucking phenomenal, her dogs are absolutely excellent, those dogs will make you want to punch your mother they are so good. Simply sensational.

I'd much rather be watching it again than writing a demonstrative hymn, and it is utterly foolish that it is not playing in the background. There's one new character that could be replaced, but otherwise, how can I complain?

The knife throwing scene, the motorcycles, the swords, the sets, the desert, the brutality, the savagery, thee one, those dogs! It is everything I could want from a movie and twice as much more. My son even loves it; he shouldn't even be watching it. He knows it is not real.

He knows Keanu is the holiest soul on the planet, and he was long before The Matrix. Oh, yes he was. How dare everyone when it comes to Keanu. People used to call me the other F word because he was and is my favorite actor. One these days Keanu is going to kick, three-gun shot you in the face with some acting. Then you're going to act as though you thought his performance in The Last Time I Committed Suicide is brilliant. You know why? Because it is. All Keanu performances, brilliant.

Look at Keanu right now. What is he doing? Being brilliant. I'm just saying that which I've been saying since is was a child. I cannot wait for the next John Wick. I knew I would love it. I never thought I would like it this much. These sequels add value to life itself.

I still love the first John Wick, but I also feel inclined to tell people to just go ahead and watch part 2 or 3 first. This breaks some sort of honor code that some may possess, but this can be silly.

Why should you see John Wick 3? Because life will suck less, the general thesis of cinematic purpose.

Back to Keanu though, I'm tired of people acting as though they were fans of Keanu all this time. Acting as though they love The Night Before and went to the drive-in to see The Watcher. Shut up. Best Christmas movie? Babes in Toyland (1986) Why? Keanu. What's the best Paula Abdul video? I don't know, the one with Keanu in it.

Unn uhh, sure, I bet you just loved Johnny Mnemonic too, huh? Shoot, you damn right I saw A Walk in the Clouds in theaters. I love Sweet November too. That movie will rip your heart out and spit on it. As far as I'm concerned the world owes Keanu an apology and another thank you.

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