Saturday, June 23, 2012

Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies (2012)

Allow me to be your Redbox Warrior on this one. This film has enabled me to attain a deeper understanding of a particular vein of cinema. I imagine that even the below-average minded audience understands what type of film Abraham and the Zombies promises to deliver. These opportunistic straight-to-video releases have been labeled "mockbusters." The current climate of "mockbusters" shows that providing the release a genre tends to exonerate their appeal. When I learned of The Asylums format I found something commendable and Cormanesque about their purpose and business model. The question remains, "Why do their films have to be so crappy though." If you're in the business of quick opportunity can $150,000 not be put to better use? Costume design rarely flags in my mind while watching a film. They usually wash over me. Even the lowest of low-budget historical adaptations can be excused for a collar lacking 1800s consistency. I simply do not understand why the costume budget was not spent at a thrift store in this instance. Everything is crispity clean and definitely made within the last decade. It does not resonate. Everyone looks like five year old dressed up in their grandfather's fatigues. I would imagine there are thousands of people in the world that would have helped make this movie better, and I bet some would have even worked free of charge. Watching this film made me wonder if The Asylum pays someone to be a cinematographer or if they feel a high definition camera is enough. The light that beams of a crisp white collar screams 2012 B movie but the problem could have prevented and some money could have been spared as well. The fact is these Alien Origin style perfectly timed straight-to-Redbox features have a charm that is instantly diffused by pressing play. Learning more about the companies efforts to spread religious propaganda does not help their case much either. However, is this just another opportunistic mockery? I cannot answer that question. I can however tell you that this movies, among every other Asylum film I've glimpsed at, is complete and total shit. There is now a clear distinction between a charming low-budget indie film and a low-budget marketing strategy in which the production company pisses on the audience. Even more strange is that the fact that the owners are executives from Village Roadshow. Not my favorite but why taint the resume? Rock that business model to the grave, but a little more TLC would have inspired another dollar from me when Disposables 3 releases. I can't wait to see Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter now. I feel that a good studio should come around and now steal the "mockbuster" market from this company. I guarantee that for half the budget I could make a much more satisfying well-timed-opportunistic variation of any movie that will release in the near future. It comes out in less than a month, but give me eighty grand and we'll have The Black Bat Ascends in Redbox by the end of the month.
Most likely a better read.

Keep in mind I'm not the type of person who instantly jumps to negatively judge a film. When I was a teenager, myself and two other assholes made a film called Giant Mutant Lobsters in Outer Space in which we dumped Jack Daniels on a lobster and set it on fire. Along with a city made of cardboard and hot wheels cars. This was of course after the mad scientist fired off his giant laser that never actually appeared on screen. The difference between the two pieces of trash being ingenuity and passion. Enduring this film was pain-staking and traumatic at best. Zombies or not. I love zombies, but like many great genres Abe vs. Zombies is among a vast catalog of selections that breeds contempt. This type of film makes the porn industry seem more reputable. Certainly more interesting. On second thought, these films are porns, without the porn.

How about 1.3 stars, only because it provide a strong closing for my review.